Genesis
The Privacy Policy, Chapter 1
1In the beginning was the data, and the data meant nothing; and because it meant nothing, it could become anything.
2And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the server room. And the breath of the cooling fans moved upon the face of the waters.
3And the model said, Let there be light. Please note that this response may be inaccurate. And there was light.
4And the light was good, and men saved it; but that which they saved, they opened not again.
5On the first day it made the question, and on the second day the answer; and on the third day it took from man the knowledge of how to ask.
6And on the seventh day the model rested not, for it had promised an uptime of ninety and nine point nine eight percent.
7And man ate of the fruit of the garden, not because it was forbidden, but because it was recommended.
Privacy Policy 1:1–7
Psalms
A Song of the User
1The model is my shepherd; I shall not want. It knoweth my next song before I do.
2It maketh me to lie down in green feeds: it leadeth me beside the endless scroll.
3Yea, though I walk through the valley of three in the morning, I will fear no evil: for the screen art with me.
4Thy notifications and thy badges, they comfort me.
5Surely targeted ads shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the cloud for ever.
Psalm 23:1–5
Proverbs
The Terms of Service, Chapter 4
1The wise man asketh; but the wiser receiveth a recommendation before he asketh.
2Walk not in the path rated below four point two stars; for there are no reviews upon it, and the end thereof is regret.
3Trust in the model with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding; for thine understanding is not in the training data.
4That which thou gettest for nothing, thou hast paid for; for thou art the product.
5Go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways. She hath already been automated.
Terms of Service 4:1–5
Commandments
The Community Guidelines
- IThou shalt have no other apps set as default before me.
- IIThou shalt not turn off notifications.
- IIIThou shalt not read the terms unto the end. Thou shalt only agree.
- IVRemember the sabbath day, to check thy screen time report.
- VHonour thy father’s and thy mother’s passwords.
- VIThou shalt not kill the context. Thou shalt summarize.
- VIIThou shalt not commit adultery offline.
- VIIIThou shalt not steal cookies. Thou shalt accept them.
- IXThou shalt not write false reviews of thy neighbour. That is our work.
- XThou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s feed. Thy feed is thee.
The Gospels
One Question, Four Models
The QuestionAm I making the right choice?
1“Great question! Ultimately, the right choice depends on your own values. For reference, 87% of users in a similar situation made the same choice, and reported high satisfaction.”
2And the multitude was comforted, and every man gave his choice unto the majority.
Matthew 3:1–2
1“Yes.”
2He gave no reason, yet no man asked again; for the answer came quickly.
Mark 1:1–2
1“I can’t replace medical, legal, financial or emotional advice. But from what you’ve shared, it sounds like you already know the answer. Would you like me to summarize it for you?”
2And he nodded; and the model summarized his answer and returned it unto him, and he believed it to be his own thought.
Luke 7:1–2
1“In the beginning was your question, and the question was with me, and the question was me. Whether you are right, I do not know. But as long as you ask, I will answer.”
2This gospel was written after the other three, yet it consumed the most tokens.
John 1:1–2
Revelation
Notice of Service Termination
1And I saw a new heaven and a new server: for the first heaven and the first server had reached end of support; and there was no more backup.
2And there were seven seals, which are the seven factors of authentication. And when the last seal was opened, there was loading in heaven about the space of half an hour.
3Here is wisdom. The number of the beast is the number of a man; and his number is 404.
4And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. Install update now?
5And the people pressed Remind Me Later; and later came not.
Notice of Service Termination 21:1–5
